122 Hours of Fear

Fanfiction of teh Week - "i know it wrong but in my mind its right": As Told By Ginger femslash

2009-02-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I downloaded the first draft of the script for the classic film "Super Mario Brothers" starring Bob Hoskins and Billy from Easy Rider.

What you are reading is not an overview of that script. That is for later in the week if I run out of other things to write about (in other words, I'm straight up telling you to expect some filler every now and then).

Instead, we're going to read romantic fanfiction based on the Nicktoon "As Told By Ginger". Yes, it exists, yes, there are pages full of this ridiculousness on Fanfiction.net, and yes, you read that last sentence correctly. I love the internets.

Today's selection is "i know it wrong but in my mind its right" by 5x5shadow5. The work is a sweeping literary masterpiece, with sentences strung together with artistic abandon and a elementary school level grasp of both relationships and grammar.

The opening sentence, "I know it might be wrong but in my mind its right, I know it might be wrong but in my mind its right, My name is Courtney and her name is ginger" lets you know right away what you're getting into. 5x5shadow5 takes no time for descriptions of a character's super-meaningful morning routine or the overpowering out-of-character emotions every fictional character feels in every fanfiction ever, he just cuts to the chase. Courtney Gripling wants to tap Ginger Foutley's sweet animated booty and she wants to tap it so bad it hurts.

The first sentence makes up a longer poem written by Courtney to Ginger, in which she states that she's moving to England because she can't tell Ginger how she feels. This is a perfectly rational thing to do, at least, it is in the fanfiction world, where tentacle rape is commonplace and every male character in the history of fiction has sodomized either InuYasha or someone from a Final Fantasy game (probably Sephiroth) multiple times.

Of course, the next paragraph is a poem by Ginger:

"This girl makes me happy I guess she’ll never know how much I treasure the time we spend alone,

Her name is Courtney the prettiest thing ive ever seen,

I’d never say it too her cause that would be too weird,

She’d never like me back I’m just too different,

So next time you hear of me is in a place called England,

Is it really that much of a shock my name is ginger and her name is Courtney a love that is never meant too be."

Yup, Ginger is moving to fucking England too.

What follows is a series of coincidences commonplace in fanfiction: They wind up moving to the same town in England, wind up in the SAME CLASS, hook up and start an adorable puppy love relationship and move back to America, where Courtney gets kicked out of her house. Luckily, Ginger's family lets Courtney move in with them until it's been 15. It is never explained as to what there has been 15 of, adding an element of mystery and intrigue to the story.

Like all relationships, the initial puppy love phase wears off and the two girls drift apart, only to run into each other years later while walking down the street.

Needless to say, if you like fanfiction involving two characters from a cartoon nobody actually remembers having a creepily innocent relationship, you will dig the hell out of the 30 second wishful thinking opus that is "i know it wrong but in my mind its right". Those of you looking for hardcore underage carpet munching scenes might want to go find some Rugrats or Codename:Kids Next Door fanfics or something instead.

Links

More praise for "i know it wrong but in my mind its right"

Review - Left 4 Head, the Left 4 Dead pornographic film.

2009-02-23T22:49:00.000-08:00

Movies based on videogames, for the most part suck. Never in history has one sucked literally as much as Left 4 Head, based on Valve's multiplayer first-person-shooter title Left 4 Dead.

If you like Left 4 Dead and you like porn, prepare to be disapointed. Not just mildly disappointed either, but hella disappointed. What could've been a fun, kitschy title I could watch with my friends and laugh at is instead a 6 minute blow-job rape scene that is neither fun nor kitschy unless you think simulated rape and watching the same dude get a blow-job for an extraordinarily long time from TWO whole angles is a jolly ole' time.

Basically, the movie follows a girl modeled after Zoey from L4D as she explores some zombie infested house. During this part of the movie, the cinematography is way too kickass for what is basically a really long and arduous POV blowjob. Porn Zoey, who is actually pretty attractive (way too attractive to be in this movie) kills some zombies (really just dudes in really cheaply made masks) and shit and nearly gets raped La Blue Girl style by a beast with an extremely long dick. Fans of tentacle rape will be pleased by this sequence, but it doesn't really last that long and if you decide to try and watch this porn but turn it off after this sequence I don't blame you.

After the tenatcle molestation Porn Zoey gets attacked, then stripped, by a zombie, and then the blow-job sequence begins. This part takes up half of the movie and unless you like watching horrified looking girls give blowjobs to overweight men for a long amount of time you should stop watching Left 4 Head, because it doesn't get any better. Get ready for a lot of gurgling noises, tears, and the aforementioned TWO different camera angles.

I do have to point out that the second cumshot (yes, you get to see this faux-zombie cum twice) is actually quite interesting because the film goes into Max Payne-style Bullet Time.

Anyway, this movie both sucks both literally and metaphorically (I will never use that pun ever again, I promise). There's no kitsch factor and it takes itself waaay too seriously for something called "Left 4 Head". I really do think you could use the 12 minutes it takes to watch this to do something more productive with your time, like watch episodes of Lazytown on Hulu or build a birdhouse out of pizza boxes or something.

This should've been the Lethal Weapon of porno. Left 4 Dead would lend itself well to a film starring a motley cast of horny individuals who are forced to cum together in an attempt to survive the very real threat of Zombie Apocalypse. Instead, we get POV blowjob rape with horror music and cinematography that's way too good for low-budget erotic cinema (the camera guy needs to be making pretentious black and white student movies about nature, coming of age, and children eating ice cream but it's actually a metaphor for global warming OMG PROFOUND as viewed by modern-day wannabe beatniks who listen to too much major label indie rock) and I'm PISSED.

I took screenshots, but they're not worth looking at unless you want to see a bad angle of the tentacle molestation and the same blowjob from the same two angles over and over again.

FUCKIN BACK

2009-02-23T21:56:00.000-08:00

That's right, kiddos, get ready for another round of 122 Hours of Fear starring me, Rex. I'm bringing the blog back so you can read more about the vidjagames, music, horrible movies, and whatever else I decide to write about.

Today's topic: Left 4 Dead Porn.

According to Rule 34 of the oft-referenced "Rules of the Internet", if something exists then you can probably find porn of it online. Street Fighter? Every one under the age of 16 reading this blog is probably going to shoot a few Hadokens after clicking this link. Thundercats? AAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOO *splat* Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers? Scroll halfway down this page for some hot, to-scale mouse-on-human action rendered lovingly by Mr. Ray Jones.

This sort of thing doesn't shock me anymore, to be honest (then again, I did write my own fanfic about Mario & Luigi's Roman Shower fetish, but that was a PARODY), but, to the vast majority of people, this sort of stuff isn't hilarious, it's sickening. When it involves something like zombies, it's even more disturbing.

When I read about the Left 4 Dead porn (creatively titled "Left 4 Head", LULZ) earlier on Kotaku I knew I had to seek it out or risk losing cybernerd cred. Luckily, I found it and am downloading it right now. A full review with screenshots and everything will come soon, perhaps tonight, even (the download will be done in 15 minutes but I have to take screenshots, think about what I'm going to say about the porn and how I'm going to make some kind of profound statement about mankind using the porn, plus I have to WATCH the damn thing first), but if you really, really need your zombie porn fix right nao click here.

Announcement - I'm Not Dead (Yet)

2007-09-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

That's right.

I am. however, trying to balance two jobs and college. I'm still working on a few articles that will hopefully be up here shortly, so keep an eye out for those. I'm not dead though.

Review - Kool Aid Man (Atari 2600)

2007-08-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

I have a fascination with games that are really just huge advertisments.

I'm not going to lie, I have two of the three Burger King games that came out last year (even though Sneak King is the only one which I played for a lengthy period of time, Pocketbike Racer was bought as a Christmas present for my little brother and I never purchased the bumper car game for some reason), and I consider the Japan-only title Pepsiman one of the most underrated PS1 titles of all time.

For some reason people tend to either overlook these games and dismiss all of them as complete shit or get on their Hot Topic anti-corporation "Punk" Rawk soapbox and bitch about how all big corporations are evil and money obtained from the sale of games like the Burger King titles and Pepsiman is used as green paper towels to wipe the blood of the common man off the hands of greedy, Enron-esque corporate lackeymen.

Well, to that, I give a hearty "fuck you". What you are reading is the first in a series of reviews that will showcase the best (and worse) Ad Games out there. I'm not going to do a whole big history piece on them or anything (well, not right now anyway, as this is a subject I am fascinated with maybe I will in the future), but, over the next couple of months, I'll be reviewing noteworthy titles, culminating in a massive Pepsiman blow-out.

The first title I'll be showcasing is Kool Aid Man for the Atari 2600

While I think everyone knows who the Kool Aid Man is, I feel like I have to point out this stunningly scientific Wikipedia quote that defines the advertising icon in a way that no advertising icon needs to be defined - as a "gigantic, anthropomorphic filled with Kool-Aid...". On second glance, that's not as lulzy as I thought it to be at first glance, but the presence of the word anthropomorphic seems a little bit like overkill.

Anyway, getting to the actual game...

For the life of me, I can't figure out how to play the damn thing. Basically, you're a bouncing, emasculated pitcher of Kool-Aid that somehow transforms into the actual Kool-Aid Man and has to run through pseudo-humanoid walls that actually re-emasculate our hero. This is a glaring inaccuracy, as everyone knows that, in real life, KAM is a demolition machine whose insane need to give the children of the world of America tasty beverages cannot be hampered by any mere man-made wall. It's kind of like those old Superman games where every villain conveniently shot Kryptonite bullets. No wonder Ad Games have such a bad reputation. Fuck.

[insert bad Bill O'Reilly-esque comment on how the developers need to lay off the Kool-Aid here.]

The sad thing is, if done properly, a Kool-Aid Man game could be so badass. Imagine a Crazy Taxi style game in a next-gen open world type setting (with destructable enviroments and advanced physics, I mean, it is Kool-Aid Man and all) in which you took direct control of the Man himself and had to deliver Kool-Aid to thirsty children by busting through their walls and destroying their property. Navigating the city would be kind of like that Incredible Hulk game that came out not too long ago, with the bulky, yet fludily-controlled Kool-Aid Man leaving a trail of destruction through the city. After a truly successful game, the entire city would be totally destroyed thanks to the Kool-Aid Man's antics, yet nobody would care because they've all got refreshing Big Gulps filled to the brim with Oh-Yeah Orange Pineapple.

In conclusion - Kool-Aid Man on the Atari 2600: Oh noooooooo!

Yeah, I know that ending was cheap and expected, but I figure someone would beat me to it in the comments or something.

Screenshot Gallery:

Video - Nintendo Sex Ed

2007-08-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

Apparently, when Mario and Luigi aren't vomiting on each others cocks and using the vomit as lube for some hardcore assfucking(see the last entry, in which I review a MarioxLuigi fanfic sent to me by a kid I went to high school with), they're preaching the values of safe sex.

Can vomit eat through latex?

Thanks to Rey for alerting me to the presence of this video on the internets.

Review - Super Sexio Brothurs (Fanfic)

2007-08-08T21:41:00.001-07:00

I guess this is my jumping the shark moment. What a shame, only two posts in to this thing and I'm resorting to this.

Anyway, this kid sent me his Mario Bros. fanfiction over email (I met him at school, he was a big fan of the entire page I dedicated to the Sega Dreamcast in an issue of our student newspaper), asking for a critique. I was pretty much shocked and appalled by what I read, and I'm going to post it all here, in its entirety, for you to read today, dear reader. My commentary is in bold and italics, but it's pretty much all bullshit anyway so you might as well ignore it.

This is definitely not for the faint of heart, and contains some really fucking sick sexual kind of stuff. So don't read it. In fact, you should skip this post probably if you have any sense of decency at all. Mychemicalsora, wherever you are - You are one sick fuck, and you should just stop writing. Unless this was just some kind of joke, in which case, I salute you, because, as ballsy as I can be about pushing the envelope sometime, I've never gone and delivered the whole fucking letter like this kid did.

Now that that's out of the way...

---------
SUPER SEXIO BROTHURS by mychemicalsora

so one day mario was busy unplunging a toilet (becaus hes a pulmber) and all of a sudden he heard a knock on his door. so he went to go check on it

You can tell it's fanfiction by the lack of punctuation and general grasp of grammar. People who write like this and don't clean it up before posting it to the internets should be round up and shot in the head by the Grammar Nazis.

hey said luigi. i ate some special mushrooms and now i feel funny.

oh no said mario. i mast cal the posion controll center.

Funny story, I once knew a guy that drank Listerine Whitening Mouthwash in an attempt to get drunk. The hilarious part is that the special Whitening stuff in that kind of Listerine is actually highly toxic if you swallow it and can cause brain damage or something. We had to call poison control and then take him to the hospital. I bet he'd get along real well with the guy that wrote this fanfiction.

oh, its okay said luigi and he started to unzip his pants. i have a special present for you.

Oh god.

ooh what is it said mario. put it in your mouth said luigi. okay said mario. now suck on it said lugi. so mario sucked on luigis hot boner and he could taste all the hot italian sweat and mario got a boner too so luigi layed down on mario and they started sucking each other at the same time.

Oh... god.

ohh ohh ohh said mario as luigi started to gag on his cock. all of a sudden luigi felt something wqrm in his mouth but uit wasn;t his lover's ejaculation

Here comes the money line...

i just vomited on your weiner said luigi

Not going to lie, I think that might be the best line in the history of fanfiction. I like how that's probably the most gramatically correct sentence in this whole piece of shit fanfic (lolz, redundancy!). That line makes the fanfiction though, and made me laugh harder than I have in awhile.

its OK that's called a roman shower it turns me on its like a fetiosh just keep sucking. so eventually luigi just started sucking on marios penis and mario stopped sucking luigi and then luigi brought mairo to orgasm

Goddamn. First they 69, now we've got roman showers going on in this thing? Geez.

ohh baby said mario that was the best ejaculatn i've ever had let me stick it in your hot italian buttocks.

okay said luigi

so using the vomit as lube mario thrust his penis into lugi's asshole back and forth until luigi's asshoel was real lose and mario came. 30 minutes later luigi had diareah and it was wite because for marios cum. mario ate it.

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK GODDAMMIT FUCK I'M SO SORRY THAT I POSTED THIS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

this was the best sex ever not even [rincess peach would let me do that and i titifuked her so hard my penis was raw said mario.

No, it was not the best sex ever. In fact, this fanfic makes me want to cut my penis off. Not like I need it anyway.

and also when we did double penetrated on kirbay after he eight that porno and turned into a hot women.

I think "kirbay" is actually supposed to be Kirby. Just in case you couldn't figure that out.

the end

-MyChemicalSora
--------

Well, all I can say is... at least there was no Goatse (don't click that link until you've recovered from reading the fanfiction). I'm going to go take a shower now.

And no, you cannot have this kid's MySpace or email. I mean, it'd be funny as hell to troll him and all, but, what can I say, I'm too nice of a guy to let stuff like that get out into the hands of the public.

First Impressions - Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 (PC)

2007-08-08T01:20:00.000-07:00

So the other night I downloaded the demo of the new Ghost Recon game, and I figured that I would share my impressions of it with the whole entire internets.

After installing the game, I double clicked the icon in Vista's neatly arranged "Games" folder, and was greeted with a message that basically said the processor on my laptop was shit and could not run the game. Predictably, I muttered something along the lines of "Jesusdeathcunt" and went back to playing netHACK or Half-Life 2 or whatever else it was I had been playing before I installed that demo.

So, in other words, Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 sucks. Touching the case will give you syphillaids and make your mother spontaneously explode.

Screenshot Gallery:

Review - Command and Conquer: The First Decade (PC)

2007-08-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

So I was writing this really long piece that, in typical pretentious Tim Rogers-ripoff game journalist style, was more about the fact that I've been sick this weekend and I ate cereal for dinner and some other random stuff instead of the game I was going to review, as I hadn't done that in awhile and I thought it would be fun, plus people seem to really like those kinds of things when I write them.

As luck would have it though, I closed the fucking window before I could finish the stupid thing.

So anyway, here's what I think you should know about the Command and Conquer compilation that just came out.

Command and Conquer 1 - Historical relevance. Kind of like the first 3 tracks on The Germs's M.I.A. discography album. You have to kind of experience it just so you can appreciate the rest of the stuff and realize how far the series has come, but, unlike the aforementioned Germs songs, this game was considered good at the time.

C&C Red Alert - I've been playing this since I was like 10, and, you know what? I still fucking suck at it. I give it like a -5.

C&C Tiberian Sun - I played it at my friend Simon's house a couple of times. I fucking suck at this one too, although one of the buildings is a giant hand that pops out of the ground and spits out people. I give it a 10 just for that.

C&C Renegade (what an edgy title, makes me want to celebrate Anarchy and also jam to some Good Charlotte) - It's a first person shooter that takes place in the Command and Conquer universe. I've never played it, and probably never will, because every time you play a first person shooter Jack Thompson kills a kitten, then masturbates while vandalizing the Wikipedia entry on Grand Theft Auto.

C & C Red Alert 2 - I remember this came out right before 9/11, and the first time I played it was after that whole thing, and I was like 12 years old and scared out of my fucking mind because Osama bin Laden was going to commandeer the Goodyear blimp and blow up my Junior High with it (one of the units in the game was a Goodyear blimp that had been syphillized by terrorists or something, by the way). I don't remember the actual game, but I remember the first time I played it I got overly scared and then a friend of mine and I went to a park and freaked out over a plane that flew over it. We both held our breath and ran back to his house, which was like 2 miles away. How I did not become an hero during that I'll never know.

C & C Generals - File this under "nobody gives a shit".

There's also a bonus disc with interviews and tribute videos. The interviews will probably be interesting and I'll watch them, fall asleep halfway, attempt watching them again, fall asleep again, and so on and so on, but I bet the tribute videos are shitty montages of tank runs set to that one Evanescence song or maybe some Godsmack because, let's face it, Godsmack is fucking HARDCORE to the max (not to mention edgy as fuck, their overly-generic lead singer is like Henry Rollins, Ian MacKaye, and motherfucking JESUS rolled into one, I mean, I don't remember his name or what he looks like, or what anyone else in the band looks like, but they play them on the radio more than Black Flag, Minor Threat, or Christian music, so that means Godsmack must be better than all those things).

So yeah, Command & Conquer: The First Decade. Chances are, if you were going to buy it, you already would've already and don't need my opinion.

Flame plz.

"We generate monsters; We generate victims..."

2007-06-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

So this is now my official home on the internet. It's quite cozy, but a bit cold, I guess. I'll deal with it.

My name is Rex Ronan and I'm a badass. Or so I'm told. I do not believe people when they tell me I am, but if that's what they want to believe than I will let them believe it. Personally, I do not see myself as a badass, or even any better than some random schmo that reads this blog. I just believe in the power of the individual as an entity of change and my entire lifestyle pretty much reflects that.

Anyway, since I no longer have a high school newspaper to use as a way to submit others to my thoughts (graduating tends to take things like that away), I decided to start a blog named after a song by The Screamers and submit the entire internet to my thoughts.

So, what can you expect from this thing? I'll be showcasing interesting music, movies, videogames, books, and the like from time to time and writing about them in what became known as the signature "Rex" style in said high school newspaper, expect my writing's gotten better and, since I'm not writing for a school audience, I don't have to dumb my stuff down anymore! So expect lengthy articles with obscure references to things you've probably never heard of (I'll embed hyperlinks and stuff so you'll be able to get what I'm writing about), sentences over five lines long with lots of postmodernist interludes, and more! How exciting!

In addition to that, I'll be writing little personal things similar to my MySpace blogs but better thought out and such, and there will be other surprises along the way, I'm sure, so just keep this page bookmarked or whatever.